BLUE EYES (CIAN’S SONG)

(September 2006)

 

Blue eyes smile, innocence gained

You’ll grow up and I hope won’t feel no pain

You’ll love and lose and live and learn

In hope you’ll choose what way to turn

 

 

In your eyes I see forever dear

You’ll want and wish for someone dear

You’ll get what you deserve

In love I hope that this you’ll learn

 

 

You grow up learning you can’t go wrong

Your parents won’t ever show you harm

I hope you won’t ever regret today

 

 

In your eyes I see forever dear

You’ll want and wish for someone dear

You’ll get what you deserve

In love I hope that this you’ll learn

 

 

Now I know at times it will be hard

To find your way through and hold your heart

But never forget what’s inside you

Blue eyes will forever shine through

IRONY COAST (TANGLED)

(August 2006)

 

Fall between lost and found

Feeling like I’m wide awake but no sound

I have everything one step out of reach

I keep walking towards your beach

The coast is jagged but I’m not scared to fall

The rocks that hit hurt as I call

To your world I trip as I run

But “Hey!” you say “It’s all just some fun.”

 

 

I cannot go through this again

But yet I know I relish the pain

Too scared to change, the past being undone

I find myself again, and again I run

 

 

Tangled webs and lies

Result in the undefined

Can you hear me scream

As I silently read your eyes

Tangled lines are drawn

That we cross all the time

I can hear your quick breath

As you sigh “one last time”

 

 

Lonely nights are the worst

Knowing my love for you is cursed

By myself, by you, by everyone it seems

No place to go except in my dreams

Worlds full of waterfalls and rainbows, just us

As you allow me, as you come over and over

Then I wake and smile at your beauty

Though your eyes are wide you never see me

SECRET SMILES

(August 2006)

 

Save me from this mess I got myself into because of you

Praise me for my silence cos if I screamed I’d be screaming at you

Help me to stop this descent that I’m falling down towards you

Curse me cos I couldn’t help it when I fell in love with you

 

 

Hold me, cos I can’t let go, must not let go, from this greased rope

Lay with me, just for one day, only one day, before I lose all hope

Carry me, with you always, for the rest of your days, inside those secret smiles of yours

 

 

Lately, I’ve been thinking about the consequences of being who I am

It’s plain to see that I have messed up everything I have

But it’s clear to me, when I see those secret eyes of yours I know I still can

Turn it around and pretend I never ran

REALITY?!?!

(April 2007)

 

I’m not real.The coving on the ceiling is. You can touch it. It does not require feeling or motivation behind the touch. If I stare at it long enough it makes me realise the truth. That surely must make it real. It’s there, everyone can see it and touch it. It does not require meaningful looks, warm embraces, or tender touches. But I do. So if I require all these things and I have never got them then that means I’m not real. There’s a kid of sanctity in knowing this. I’ve never realised I’m NOT real before. It’s kind of a Get Out Of Jail Free Card when you need it. It’s ok I’m not real.I’ve never been wanted, when, ironically that’s all I want. I’ve inspired many people with many feelings: happiness, camaraderie, vanity, anger, GUILT, solace, punchbag, doormat, mirror, shoulder to cry on. I’ve been this and epitomized all these things for loads of people, but if I’m not epitomizing what I want to epitomize then it’s ok because I’m not real.

All you need is love… Yeah that’s true but the song doesn’t go on to explain that love is what makes you real and so if you’re not loved back then it means nothing, which means I’m not real. So it’s ok cos I’m not real. And I mean every type of love. Have no connection with my family anymore so that must have been the first sign to tell me that I wasn’t real. How did I miss it? It’s ok though cos I’m not real.

I’ve never got it right but that’s ok too cos I’m not real. I mean think about it. These things are what makes up a person. I don’t know where home is, I never feel comfortable in my own skin, I’ve never accepted me as a person. (and that has nothing to do with me being gay because I’m not real) My family feel nothing but mundane likeability for me. My nephew will never get to know the real me because I’m not real.

Most of all I am defined by feelings no one has ever defined me by their feelings for me. So I’m not real. The feelings I have towards them are real because they get what they want then they become real. But no one feels a passion towards me which equates to the passion I feel towards them so therefore I am undefined. But its ok because I’m not real.

See there’s no point killing myself because that will cause the people around me to lose their sense of reality. So I would never do that. This is not a cry for help or a suicide note. I don’t want to die. I WANT TO LIVE. There’s no need for me to die because you see I’m not really real. So I have nothing to fear no more because its ok I’m not real.

Everything finally makes sense. You see I’m free now. Before I was expecting too much. Now I know I’m not real I don’t need or want anything. I’m not missing out anymore! You see I’m here to make everyone else feel real. I think there are a lot of people like me but I’m the first one to figure it out. Think about it. Sarah needed me to set her up with John, I put Phoebe on a pedestal, I appealed to Jennifer’s vanity, Carole needed me to love even though I didn’t love her, Bette…well she took and needed everything from me. But my point is what have I actually got? You see it’s ok cos I’m not real.

Now that I know that then I don’t have any reason to get upset about anything anymore. It is not expected of me to get what I think I want. Thinking I need or want things is a ploy to make me think I am real when in all fairness if it wasn’t for everybody else’s opinion of me I wouldn’t be real at all.

FIND

(Winter 2002)

 

 

Lying here upon my bed

Drowning out the hurtful words you said

I don’t know if this is worth the pain

I don’t think we’ll ever be the same

But you will always be there

In my mind, good or bad

I hate the way your always there

Through everything I’ve had

 

 

You and me, forever, together

But now maybe I should go

And leave you, standing there, on your own

See if you can try and go and leave the past behind

To help you go…Find

 

 

Remembering us and what we used to be

Causes ghosts to haunt the faith in me

But eventually I’ll go on, move on and be strong

I hate the way I’ll always remember us together

SOUL TOWN

(Spring 2003)

 

 

Stranded in this, my town my soul

Not knowing which way to turn or go

The buildings are empty, a sickening shade of grey

The naked streets do not help, as I lose my way

 

 

There are no directions, no street signs bearing names

The roads are all routeless and lead all different ways

I’m trying to remember if I ever felt sane

Nothing will get clearer, if confusion reigns.

 

 

Nothing can help, prevent, restrain

The abandonment of life, the pain

This town is crying out, for purpose and goal

Charity begins at home, I have to start with my soul.

UNTITLED

(Autumn 2002)

 

 

Truth gets lost behind this face

You can’t guess the ache I’m living with

Three guesses involving confusion and dashed hope

Alone, with no choice but to live

With this hole inside my heart

I’m breaking down, falling apart

 

 

But you are there to help stop the pain

I’m beginning to see I’m not to blame

Things change with the seasons

And now I know

You’re my reason

 

 

I go on now knowing I care

About someone who helps me to be me

And live with this malfunctioning heart

I’m not afraid of falling apart

HIDDEN

(Summer 2002)

 

 

If you tried to feel what I feel

Could you handle it?

If you tried to see what I see

Would you run from it?

 

Like I do when I see you smiling back at me

Like I do when I feel your presence near me

 

 

I see you and I break down

When you smile, I frown

Because I love with you with pain inside

My heart forces my head to lie

You can’t know, won’t know

I am hidden

 

 

When you see me look at you

Is it obvious?

I feel my eyes betray the truth

Do you notice it?

PICTURES

(April 2002)

 

 

No picture to remind me

Of your dimensions

You start to fade

As I desperately cling to your memory

I’m fighting a losing battle

 

 

Your body tall? short?

You were tall in heart

I remember looking up to you

 

 

Your arms strong? weak?

Strong, I remember them holding me

As if you would never let me go

Even though you let go from everything

 

 

Your face smirking? crying?

That’s what shook me

Your mouth was a permanent smile

Yet your eyes were apparently crying.

 

 

No picture to remind me

Of the laughs we enjoyed together

The times we had

The friendship we shared

 

But your dark and mysteriously beautiful

Eyes

Intensely meeting mine

Will never fade

As will you

From my heart

Forever entwined in my soul

Like a vividly accurate

Picture.

ALRIGHT

(Summer 2003)

 

 

As I lie here watching you dream

I’m thinking we can’t go on like this

I keep rehashing the fatal scene

And realise it’s the past I’ll miss

You just don’t seem to care anymore

I don’t seem to fit into your life no more

Breaking up seems to be the thing we do

But I know it’s for real when I say to you

 

 

I won’t cry

I’m OK

We are different now

It just has to be this way

I won’t die

I don’t wanna fight

Let’s just end it now and save ourselves the pain

It’s alright.

 

 

I don’t want to start this all over again

The love I felt has been ruined by stress

I just want to get rid of this pain

It doesn’t work for some but for us I think it’s best.